Well, 20 minutes left of Tuba Day (May 7), and it was bound to happen: I started crying. No, I didn’t have a traumatic experience with low brass instruments as a child nor did I hear a moving tuba-led rendition of the theme from Star Wars. It’s simply close to another ending, and I simply can’t take it anymore. Sorry Tuba Day, it’s truly not you, it’s me.
Even though I am neither starting a new job, moving to a new state, nor graduating from school, it seems as if I’m the only one who is not. It’s an odd place for me to be. I’m usually the one swept up in a flurry of change. I’m used to being the one with an unpredictable future and endless possibilities. But for now, I sit in my apartment, knowing that this is not one of the last times I will sleep in my bed and that my next shower will not be one of the last in my tub. (So many negatives…it’s messing with my writing vibe.)
Basically, I am experiencing what I believe to be sympathy pains. Similar to what someone may experience physically for a suffering friend, I am experiencing emotionally. I’ve been trying desperately to bear burdens for my friends and family members who are in transition, all the while thinking I am somewhat exempt from this process. I’m the lucky one, right? If no news is good news, then no change must be good change right? It must be nice, for a change, to be the one who gets to stay safe and settled. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
I experienced a big change of location almost a year ago and will again a year from now. In the proverbial Oreo of this season, I would assume that this is the cream filling. Although it was difficult to come to Kansas and it will be difficult to say goodbye, I get the rare privilege of looking both behind and ahead. I will miss the friends who will soon leave, as I still miss the ones I left behind. However, given my rare perspective, I am hopeful that I can use what I know now of change and transitions, growth and stagnancy, love and loss to make this season of cream something worthwhile.
For the laughter, tears, and celebrations ahead,